Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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