i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
