You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
