my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
my sisters under your porch take her home
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
