found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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