Texts From Last Night · EMTPirate's Favorites

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EMTPirate's Favorites Texts:

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(937): View more from Ohio

I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...

(262): View more from Wisconsin

I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.

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(937): View more from Ohio

We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.

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(831): View more from California

I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.

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(419): View more from Ohio

The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.

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(217): View more from Illinois

If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...

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(802): View more from Vermont

stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes

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(206): View more from Washington

i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.

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(+04): View more from

I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.

Fav 4 1540 878
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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.

(419): View more from Ohio

....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!

(715): View more from Wisconsin

I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?

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(816): View more from Missouri

i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino

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(816): View more from Missouri

no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.

Fav 7 2727 1144
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(951): View more from California

My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room

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(360): View more from Washington

It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.

Fav 14 3226 2022
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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.

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(229): View more from Georgia

No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.

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(949): View more from California

In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.

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(404): View more from Georgia

like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.

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(586): View more from Michigan

omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.

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(416): View more from Toronto

WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!

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(714): View more from California

I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.

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(916): View more from California

whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door

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(714): View more from California

If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.

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(937): View more from Ohio

A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.

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(239): View more from Florida

dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.

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(716): View more from New York

Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here

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(406): View more from Montana

I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god

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(408): View more from California

I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.

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(623): View more from Arizona

My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.

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(716): View more from New York

she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper

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(313): View more from Michigan

Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now

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(716): View more from New York

I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet

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(816): View more from Missouri

He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So squirting runs in the family.

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(631): View more from New York

So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here

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(609): View more from New Jersey

sleazy september. first one with mono loses.

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(903): View more from Texas

We talked him into tasing himself.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines

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(614): View more from Ohio

This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?

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(417): View more from Missouri

I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

(443): View more from Maryland

do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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(208): View more from Idaho

I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?

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(801): View more from Utah

On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.

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(281): View more from Texas

Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer

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(516): View more from New York

nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.

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(315): View more from New York

See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday

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(631): View more from New York

I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?

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(727): View more from Florida

You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.

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(406): View more from Montana

i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.

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(618): View more from Illinois

You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes

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(314): View more from Missouri

Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.

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(515): View more from Iowa

If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.

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(516): View more from New York

I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.

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(801): View more from Utah

My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.

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(707): View more from California

I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity

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(701): View more from North Dakota

and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.

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(509): View more from Washington

Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.

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(216): View more from Ohio

The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly

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(818): View more from California

Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.

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(903): View more from Texas

Beer Popsicles are better in theory

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(727): View more from Florida

Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.

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(513): View more from Ohio

As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN

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(816): View more from Missouri

I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.

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(210): View more from Texas

Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country

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(585): View more from New York

Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?

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(561): View more from Florida

She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...

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(316): View more from Kansas

Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up

(919): View more from North Carolina

which one looks the most like her?

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(917): View more from New York City

Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.

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(716): View more from New York

i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls

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(850): View more from Florida

I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.

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(305): View more from Florida

I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion

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(817): View more from Texas

Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.

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(850): View more from Florida

He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines

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(409): View more from Texas

The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.

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(503): View more from Oregon

All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?

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(817): View more from Texas

did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?

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(212): View more from New York

Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.

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(925): View more from California

Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.

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(540): View more from Virginia

casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?

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(614): View more from Ohio

she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.

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(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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(802): View more from Vermont

Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?

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(805): View more from California

100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday

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(778): View more from British Columbia

When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(716): View more from New York

When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.

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(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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(718): View more from New York

The gym has a pool

(914): View more from New York

my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

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(207): View more from Maine

He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.

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(214): View more from Texas

You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?

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(801): View more from Utah

when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.

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(734): View more from Michigan

He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.

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(915): View more from Texas

Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up

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(510): View more from California

I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.

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(718): View more from New York

We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.

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(770): View more from Georgia

his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am

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(937): View more from Ohio

I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I see you've learned your lesson.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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(906): View more from Michigan

He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...

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(817): View more from Texas

you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for

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(647): View more from Ontario

making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.

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(727): View more from Florida

there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.

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