Texts From Last Night · cashewchickenn's Favorites

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(707): View more from California

According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.

(253): View more from Washington

You called the wrong number but I salute you.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship

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(734): View more from Michigan

This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.

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(210): View more from Texas

DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week

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(360): View more from Washington

I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.

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(650): View more from California

So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.

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(650): View more from California

You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever

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(515): View more from Iowa

Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?

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(512): View more from Texas

The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore

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(310): View more from California

Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.

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(435): View more from Utah

he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!

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(503): View more from Oregon

I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(518): View more from New York

Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.

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(714): View more from California

wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man

(1-714): View more from California

you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(805): View more from California

You are such a cockblock sometimes

(661): View more from California

You NEED a cockblock sometimes

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(904): View more from Florida

We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon

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(772): View more from Florida

Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(773): View more from Illinois

I think I sprained my soul last night

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(702): View more from Nevada

I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?

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(661): View more from California

He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks

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(979): View more from Texas

Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"

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(716): View more from New York

We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.

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(330): View more from Ohio

MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

(216): View more from Ohio

I'll be there in 20 with vodka.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

I didn't get it..

(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm sorry. But to the original question please.

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(561): View more from Florida

am i new drunk or am i still drunk

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(281): View more from Texas

Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on

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(+49): View more from Germany

we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!

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(845): View more from New York

Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."

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(818): View more from California

The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.

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(315): View more from New York

I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you

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(713): View more from Texas

I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

(1-512): View more from Texas

We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

(512): View more from Texas

This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

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(443): View more from Maryland

How's my date look?

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Like a retarded elf

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In a good way

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this

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(509): View more from Washington

It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!

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(909): View more from California

The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY

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(585): View more from New York

you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser

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(334): View more from Alabama

We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.

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(949): View more from California

Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.

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(217): View more from Illinois

not the best booty call

(1-217): View more from Illinois

did she squirt?

(217): View more from Illinois

only if tears count

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(515): View more from Iowa

IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat

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(239): View more from Florida

You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.

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(914): View more from New York

Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant

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(631): View more from New York

if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org

(516): View more from New York

.org?

(631): View more from New York

yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?

(313): View more from Michigan

death...100% death...what r u planning.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(623): View more from Arizona

One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.

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(585): View more from New York

Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

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(816): View more from Missouri

Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend

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(714): View more from California

Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

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(620): View more from Kansas

We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.

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(256): View more from Alabama

It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??

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(298): View more from

The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.

(208): View more from Idaho

You're the only meteorologist I listen to.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going

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(813): View more from Florida

I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.

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(845): View more from New York

YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE

(1-914): View more from New York

YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.

(845): View more from New York

I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER

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(641): View more from Iowa

As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...

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(630): View more from Illinois

And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast

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(541): View more from Oregon

Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.

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(309): View more from Illinois

You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."

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(818): View more from California

idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations

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(585): View more from New York

Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook

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(410): View more from Maryland

Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles

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(619): View more from California

Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund

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(410): View more from Maryland

There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?

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(207): View more from Maine

Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.

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(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(217): View more from Illinois

What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up

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(940): View more from Texas

Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?

(940): View more from Texas

Is this a story I am going to hate you for?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.

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(207): View more from Maine

I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.

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(850): View more from Florida

Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.

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(530): View more from California

Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?

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(845): View more from New York

You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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(248): View more from Michigan

We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.

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(516): View more from New York

You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito

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(360): View more from Washington

Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.

(360): View more from Washington

It was me.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(206): View more from Washington

I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2

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(416): View more from Toronto

no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us

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(970): View more from Colorado

bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.

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(516): View more from New York

shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.

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(786): View more from Florida

hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.

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(813): View more from Florida

If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(858): View more from California

WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.

(760): View more from California

You're High aren't you?

(858): View more from California

Sooooo high

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.

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(740): View more from Ohio

do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.

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(478): View more from Georgia

We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.

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(801): View more from Utah

If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

we have officially mastered the walk of shame

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.

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(804): View more from Virginia

No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?

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(417): View more from Missouri

It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.

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(219): View more from Indiana

LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS

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(631): View more from New York

If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.

(1-985): View more from Louisiana

Do I have a choice?

(985): View more from Louisiana

I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY

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(407): View more from Florida

Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people

(763): View more from Minnesota

and u failed math?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.

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(303): View more from Colorado

there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Where were you when I was single???

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

Still in diapers.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Are you high right now?

(1-228): View more from Mississippi

is that a question or a drake reference?

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(303): View more from Colorado

i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Don't you send me to vm

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(480): View more from Arizona

FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!

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(614): View more from Ohio

I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now

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(802): View more from Vermont

Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone

(802): View more from Vermont

Tonite tequila might call you

(802): View more from Vermont

Be prepared

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up

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(785): View more from Kansas

Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.

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(631): View more from New York

He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.

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(775): View more from Nevada

you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.

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(727): View more from Florida

and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.

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(205): View more from Alabama

The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...

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(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?

(443): View more from Maryland

We using my standards or yours?

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(804): View more from Virginia

Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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(214): View more from Texas

There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.

(205): View more from Alabama

Win!

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

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(312): View more from Illinois

That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?

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(404): View more from Georgia

standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

New invention idea: vibrating tampons

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Going to get a "plan B"urrito

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(607): View more from New York

You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.

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(213): View more from California

My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."

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(518): View more from New York

Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear

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(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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(586): View more from Michigan

I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.

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(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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(503): View more from Oregon

bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

SEEEEXXX PLEASE

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(519): View more from Ontario

Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...

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(206): View more from Washington

riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.

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(916): View more from California

I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.

(1-916): View more from California

Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.

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(512): View more from Texas

Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"

(1-512): View more from Texas

Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

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(650): View more from California

how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?

(1-216): View more from Ohio

Lol no its called college

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(303): View more from Colorado

My liver just broke up with me...

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(513): View more from Ohio

Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.

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(518): View more from New York

im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): View more from Georgia

Things like this can't be explained over text man

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(361): View more from Texas

I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?

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(214): View more from Texas

She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.

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(765): View more from Indiana

We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.

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(281): View more from Texas

i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets

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(813): View more from Florida

So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly

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(806): View more from Texas

I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.

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(770): View more from Georgia

he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.

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(512): View more from Texas

We need to rekindle our bromance

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(954): View more from Florida

i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi

(425): View more from Washington

hahaha how?

(954): View more from Florida

its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery

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(908): View more from New Jersey

No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.

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(850): View more from Florida

I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

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(818): View more from California

Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

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(925): View more from California

2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?

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(425): View more from Washington

we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years

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(407): View more from Florida

I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that

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(703): View more from Virginia

he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

(1-703): View more from Virginia

be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake

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(614): View more from Ohio

There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw

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(925): View more from California

Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?

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(909): View more from California

Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.

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(863): View more from Florida

haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.

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(585): View more from New York

I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.

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(404): View more from Georgia

my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.

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(515): View more from Iowa

i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.

(647): View more from Ontario

Would it have been easier if he talked to her?

(416): View more from Toronto

Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.

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(757): View more from Virginia

So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?

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(360): View more from Washington

corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.

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(314): View more from Missouri

What did you even date her?

(214): View more from Texas

because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

At least make sure they are 18

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Why

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.

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(913): View more from Kansas

He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.

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(845): View more from New York

I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him

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(956): View more from Texas

What do you think she thinks of us?

(1-956): View more from Texas

I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us

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(941): View more from Florida

Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

tell her thanks so much

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(785): View more from Kansas

Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry

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(803): View more from South Carolina

happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing

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(850): View more from Florida

I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome

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(812): View more from Indiana

I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

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(703): View more from Virginia

No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me

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(478): View more from Georgia

He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

being pregnant is like rehab

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(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face

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(509): View more from Washington

Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.

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(913): View more from Kansas

How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

(913): View more from Kansas

1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

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(503): View more from Oregon

He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(773): View more from Illinois

If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.

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(360): View more from Washington

so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy

(360): View more from Washington

man i love america

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(408): View more from California

Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.

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(801): View more from Utah

I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?

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(503): View more from Oregon

24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

That's not a bad idea, actually...

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(951): View more from California

my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight

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(619): View more from California

Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.

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(516): View more from New York

onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

(443): View more from Maryland

he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!

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(705): View more from Ontario

never. drinking. again.

(1-705): View more from Ontario

lets not get ahead of ourselves.

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(613): View more from Ontario

ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.

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(785): View more from Kansas

This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday

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