Texts From Last Night · faceplant's Favorites

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faceplant's Favorites Texts:

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle

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(616): View more from Michigan

Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.

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(530): View more from California

I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.

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(818): View more from California

She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.

(1-507): View more from Minnesota

We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside

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(772): View more from Florida

He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.

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(707): View more from California

She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

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(206): View more from Washington

She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(714): View more from California

Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful

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(312): View more from Illinois

You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

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(517): View more from Michigan

I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(641): View more from Iowa

she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.

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(773): View more from Illinois

literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

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(586): View more from Michigan

so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.

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(289): View more from Ontario

The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.

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(925): View more from California

I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't

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(505): View more from New Mexico

she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes

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(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

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(408): View more from California

I don't have enough holes for all these australians

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(716): View more from New York

i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him

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(404): View more from Georgia

He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(231): View more from Michigan

OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?

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(678): View more from Georgia

Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

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(250): View more from British Columbia

she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love

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(214): View more from Texas

Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

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(815): View more from Illinois

just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

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(714): View more from California

He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.

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(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".

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(219): View more from Indiana

surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on

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(510): View more from California

Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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(386): View more from Florida

You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?

(1-386): View more from Florida

Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.

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(706): View more from Georgia

This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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(561): View more from Florida

oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time

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(434): View more from Virginia

i said good morning to each one of his abs personally

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(818): View more from California

I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(314): View more from Missouri

i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.

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(516): View more from New York

In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea

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(714): View more from California

Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.

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(773): View more from Illinois

i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.

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(847): View more from Illinois

as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

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(845): View more from New York

no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill

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(513): View more from Ohio

i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.

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(214): View more from Texas

She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

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(917): View more from New York City

your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

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(303): View more from Colorado

How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...

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(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

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(818): View more from California

Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...

(615): View more from Tennessee

Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again

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(407): View more from Florida

We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."

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(912): View more from Georgia

He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.

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(661): View more from California

this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(714): View more from California

Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.

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(585): View more from New York

she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

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(440): View more from Ohio

Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

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(310): View more from California

You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again

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(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(407): View more from Florida

Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(815): View more from Illinois

I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!

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(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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(225): View more from Louisiana

How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?

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