Texts From Last Night · fmeuser's Favorites

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fmeuser's Favorites Texts:

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(313): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

(1-313): View more from Michigan

restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

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(720): View more from Colorado

There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario

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(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

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(252): View more from North Carolina

it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration

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(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just want to hang out with her.

(916): View more from California

You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.

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(738): View more from

I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

are you so shy because you have an std?

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(971): View more from Oregon

So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

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(831): View more from California

I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.

(1-831): View more from California

stop. you already have a dog

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Five things that make you perfect. Go.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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(719): View more from Colorado

just survived the first fart of the relationship.

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(619): View more from California

all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night

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(585): View more from New York

any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(626): View more from California

I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

woah 15?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know! what is this dateline?

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(769): View more from Mississippi

she said she likes her vagina punished

(1-769): View more from Mississippi

being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough

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(713): View more from Texas

Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

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(314): View more from Missouri

What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion

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(404): View more from Georgia

We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just cropdusted the office

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(661): View more from California

i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me

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(304): View more from West Virginia

alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(206): View more from Washington

got weed?

(425): View more from Washington

I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

(206): View more from Washington

sorry mom...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape

(617): View more from Massachusetts

wtf, did you fuck a retard?!

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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(925): View more from California

Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(519): View more from Ontario

oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again

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(708): View more from Illinois

the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina

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(856): View more from New Jersey

just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.

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(404): View more from Georgia

dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji

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(647): View more from Ontario

Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville

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(310): View more from California

Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

(312): View more from Illinois

Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

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(860): View more from Connecticut

my vagina's been through so much this weekend

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?

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(941): View more from Florida

Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.

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(940): View more from Texas

I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl

(1-940): View more from Texas

you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.

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(207): View more from Maine

I think we should see other people.

(1-207): View more from Maine

Already working on it.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

That's because you are an idiot.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(954): View more from Florida

Your an asshole

(1-954): View more from Florida

Actually, it's "you're an asshole"

(954): View more from Florida

My point exactly

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

oh how i love working at summer camp.

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(310): View more from California

Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?

(770): View more from Georgia

b/c u have herpes

(310): View more from California

No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

math is fun

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life

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(901): View more from Tennessee

pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

no

(901): View more from Tennessee

the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table

(901): View more from Tennessee

im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

seriously i just wanna be friends

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

pass

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.

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(305): View more from Florida

Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

(615): View more from Tennessee

She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

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(313): View more from Michigan

I am in shape. i keep telling you that.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."

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(847): View more from Illinois

I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(281): View more from Texas

I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

People still let you watch their kids?

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(719): View more from Colorado

physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document

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(941): View more from Florida

He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation

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(561): View more from Florida

It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just saw the nastiest chick.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Where?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you

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(812): View more from Indiana

McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

All of them

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(330): View more from Ohio

Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(773): View more from Illinois

When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger

(708): View more from Illinois

You are the reason we need health care reform

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.

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(905): View more from Toronto

I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.

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(903): View more from Texas

I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.

(214): View more from Texas

kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.

(903): View more from Texas

I'll be there in 10

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(212): View more from New York

btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up

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(415): View more from California

This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations

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(334): View more from Alabama

i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face

(1-334): View more from Alabama

so you're single again?

(334): View more from Alabama

yea but it was worth it

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.

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(210): View more from Texas

so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....

(512): View more from Texas

oh shit that had to have been awkward

(210): View more from Texas

i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.

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(209): View more from California

Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

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(914): View more from New York

last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"

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(317): View more from Indiana

just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.

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(813): View more from Florida

They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(716): View more from New York

who do you think you are?

(407): View more from Florida

someone who doesn't ask that question

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm in his phone as sushi coochie

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(203): View more from Connecticut

please don't let me die tonight

(860): View more from Connecticut

what have you done for me lately?

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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