Texts From Last Night · foxracing6622's Favorites

foxracing6622's Favorites Texts:

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(770): View more from Georgia

You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?

(914): View more from New York

please be gone before i get back

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(216): View more from Ohio

6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is that you in the white hat?

(248): View more from Michigan

Fine suit yourself

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.

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(971): View more from Oregon

So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(443): View more from Maryland

shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

wrong number but thanks

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(310): View more from California

how was it?

(1-310): View more from California

he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"

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(903): View more from Texas

i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay

(602): View more from Arizona

I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"

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(585): View more from New York

Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up

(1-585): View more from New York

Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit

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(225): View more from Louisiana

my head hurts. i need an adult

(225): View more from Louisiana

and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult

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(757): View more from Virginia

you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.

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(214): View more from Texas

Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?

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(907): View more from Alaska

I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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(949): View more from California

Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.

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(415): View more from California

they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(807): View more from Ontario

he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants

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(775): View more from Nevada

Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?

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(917): View more from New York City

my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

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(302): View more from Delaware

I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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(757): View more from Virginia

If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?

(269): View more from Michigan

Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

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(305): View more from Florida

It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.

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(712): View more from Iowa

She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face

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(937): View more from Ohio

oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(647): View more from Ontario

We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.

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(302): View more from Delaware

when are you leaving homes?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

(302): View more from Delaware

I had a sex dream about Oprah.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

go back to sleep

(302): View more from Delaware

dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!

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(425): View more from Washington

Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Who?

(248): View more from Michigan

Chris brown

(1-248): View more from Michigan

No way... I bet he was intense

(248): View more from Michigan

Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(219): View more from Indiana

you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

(949): View more from California

she's my drunk super hero.

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(907): View more from Alaska

started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.

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(416): View more from Ontario

dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross

(647): View more from Ontario

well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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(410): View more from Maryland

After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...

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(619): View more from California

Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.

(1-619): View more from California

i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(914): View more from New York

last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.

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(616): View more from Michigan

when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.

(248): View more from Michigan

who is this?

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

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(847): View more from Illinois

the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.

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(212): View more from New York

I'm drive I can fine osifer

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(541): View more from Oregon

If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?

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(347): View more from New York

Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono

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(734): View more from Michigan

I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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(819): View more from Quebec

I woke up to her vacumming the grass

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(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.

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(646): View more from New York

Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?

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(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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(807): View more from Ontario

I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.

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(212): View more from New York

I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(817): View more from Texas

just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Whatever it was. it was pregnant.

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(847): View more from Illinois

tweet Hawks Win!! tweet

(847): View more from Illinois

That's how twitter works, right?

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(970): View more from Colorado

You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by

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(312): View more from Illinois

i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.

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(573): View more from Missouri

i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru

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(586): View more from Michigan

You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot

(586): View more from Michigan

That was very cool/italian of you

(586): View more from Michigan

Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

(617): View more from Massachusetts

that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

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(703): View more from Virginia

Grow some girl-balls and come out already

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can you come get me at the bar

(301): View more from Maryland

ill be there in 10 min

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can we stop off at build a bear on the way home

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(415): View more from California

I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?

(512): View more from Texas

Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.

(415): View more from California

Watch for tornadoes.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(216): View more from Ohio

you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.

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(789): View more from

If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

What?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

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(813): View more from Florida

His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.

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(443): View more from Maryland

God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

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(703): View more from Virginia

im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(956): View more from Texas

It was like little house on the drunk prairie.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Did you see that girl I got with last night?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..

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(214): View more from Texas

Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS

(210): View more from Texas

Put my glitter back.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.

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(530): View more from California

There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

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(925): View more from California

I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.

(916): View more from California

You're drunk. Make complete sentences.

(925): View more from California

It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.

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(650): View more from California

the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

(1-650): View more from California

dude, it's 2 am.

(650): View more from California

but its COMING

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".

(262): View more from Wisconsin

I am the king of creep.

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(406): View more from Montana

Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.

(1-406): View more from Montana

Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(858): View more from California

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

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(210): View more from Texas

Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

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(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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(323): View more from California

Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them

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(305): View more from Florida

She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker

(914): View more from New York

Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.

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(954): View more from Florida

What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

(904): View more from Florida

Both

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(661): View more from California

Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.

(1-661): View more from California

Lol thats a classic

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I puked a lego.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

yo i have your phone

(202): View more from Washington, DC

... oh so you probably won't get this message

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(703): View more from Virginia

bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..

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(415): View more from California

Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99

(415): View more from California

Recession joke.

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(702): View more from Nevada

no you cant smoke seaweed

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(925): View more from California

can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet

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(440): View more from Ohio

Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

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(562): View more from California

not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(269): View more from Michigan

So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!

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(503): View more from Oregon

i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!

(360): View more from Washington

let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.

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(239): View more from Florida

Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(703): View more from Virginia

look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer

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(352): View more from Florida

I used to practice getting hit by cars.

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(613): View more from Ontario

My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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(415): View more from California

how hairy? two words: wookie tits

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(563): View more from Iowa

you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

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(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground

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(714): View more from California

So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him

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(512): View more from Texas

Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(912): View more from Georgia

i woke up with socks on this morning

(485): View more from

so?

(912): View more from Georgia

i didnt wear socks last night

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(703): View more from Virginia

You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.

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(954): View more from Florida

I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

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(416): View more from Toronto

No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(205): View more from Alabama

woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

(1-205): View more from Alabama

yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

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(253): View more from Washington

so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

(1-253): View more from Washington

because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

(253): View more from Washington

no more ever clear

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(248): View more from Michigan

Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!

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(646): View more from New York

Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.

(1-646): View more from New York

what. the. fuck.

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(305): View more from Florida

I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman

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(248): View more from Michigan

it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(813): View more from Florida

running late. just ran over a dude on a bike

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(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(417): View more from Missouri

Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.

(573): View more from Missouri

Jealous.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

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(954): View more from Florida

you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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(216): View more from Ohio

i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(601): View more from Mississippi

she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete

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(540): View more from Virginia

The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace

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(949): View more from California

The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(850): View more from Florida

Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(229): View more from Georgia

please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(716): View more from New York

She's like a pop up book from hell.

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(925): View more from California

so explain again why im purple

(617): View more from Massachusetts

no

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(613): View more from Ontario

There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.

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(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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(516): View more from New York

If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(517): View more from Michigan

Happy Easter!!!

(248): View more from Michigan

I'm an idiot

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(845): View more from New York

our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.

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(937): View more from Ohio

you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."

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(970): View more from Colorado

Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

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(386): View more from Florida

Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him

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(651): View more from Minnesota

make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.

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(760): View more from California

Joe is yelling at the trees again.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

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(831): View more from California

i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.

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(316): View more from Kansas

No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.

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(404): View more from Georgia

look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose

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(210): View more from Texas

"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

and on the seventh day, God created megan fox

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(973): View more from New Jersey

just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party

(423): View more from Tennessee

so no drinking for you?

(615): View more from Tennessee

don't be silly

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

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(515): View more from Iowa

Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

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(440): View more from Ohio

We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

No

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(602): View more from Arizona

im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.

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(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good

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(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

meow

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

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(207): View more from Maine

I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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