Texts From Last Night · grey

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!

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(314): View more from Missouri

My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.

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(914): View more from New York

He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.

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(705): View more from Ontario

He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.

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(616): View more from Michigan

time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

we need a secret handshake

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(224): View more from Illinois

This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.

(309): View more from Illinois

Too low?

(224): View more from Illinois

Yes.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.

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(909): View more from California

So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment

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(419): View more from Ohio

Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

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(716): View more from New York

my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question

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(810): View more from Michigan

I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

you dont

(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont

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(765): View more from Indiana

he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(937): View more from Ohio

It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.

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(415): View more from California

He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.

(650): View more from California

.......................................

(415): View more from California

My thoughts exactly.

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(248): View more from Michigan

He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.

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(315): View more from New York

Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.

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(786): View more from Florida

She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick

(305): View more from Florida

I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(205): View more from Alabama

my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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(818): View more from California

his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up

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(954): View more from Florida

I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...

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(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(858): View more from California

So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(516): View more from New York

she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen

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(514): View more from Quebec

His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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(636): View more from Missouri

You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

(847): View more from Illinois

What did I say?

(636): View more from Missouri

Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

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(207): View more from Maine

reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

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(504): View more from Louisiana

she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?

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(719): View more from Colorado

I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"

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(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

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(618): View more from Illinois

It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.

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(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong

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(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

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(315): View more from New York

Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(949): View more from California

Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up

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(281): View more from Texas

I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...

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(719): View more from Colorado

Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(631): View more from New York

It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people

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(740): View more from Ohio

He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over

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(864): View more from South Carolina

For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.

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(678): View more from Georgia

How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?

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(618): View more from Illinois

the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it

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(425): View more from Washington

the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.

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(231): View more from Michigan

my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring

(989): View more from Michigan

i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(843): View more from South Carolina

No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

please don't let me die tonight

(860): View more from Connecticut

what have you done for me lately?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...

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(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.

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(317): View more from Indiana

so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you

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(972): View more from Texas

Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...

(214): View more from Texas

Was she wearing cherry chapstick??

(972): View more from Texas

No. Life's not always a fairytale.....

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(586): View more from Michigan

The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?

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(512): View more from Texas

he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before

(806): View more from Texas

he probably also told you he thought u were pretty

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(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I like it rough

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

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(631): View more from New York

just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(647): View more from Ontario

ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(732): View more from New Jersey

She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

(843): View more from South Carolina

drunk me is so punny.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.

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(480): View more from Arizona

he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(425): View more from Washington

This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.

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(949): View more from California

she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

(949): View more from California

little did she know i was taping her the whole time.

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(845): View more from New York

tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You are an asshole

(574): View more from Indiana

haha sleeping beauty awakes.

(616): View more from Michigan

Where did you find this costume?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(443): View more from Maryland

Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..

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(914): View more from New York

Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk

(1-914): View more from New York

It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

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(515): View more from Iowa

Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby

(1-515): View more from Iowa

What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?

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(631): View more from New York

woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

(516): View more from New York

you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

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(212): View more from New York

You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?

(475): View more from Connecticut

Yeah?

(212): View more from New York

Stuck it in his pooper.

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(913): View more from Kansas

"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.

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(613): View more from Ontario

you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one

(609): View more from New Jersey

ravioli

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(813): View more from Florida

y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

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(904): View more from Florida

I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

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(510): View more from California

well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen

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(940): View more from Texas

She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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(407): View more from Florida

my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(305): View more from Florida

Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.

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