Texts From Last Night · hella5891's Favorites

Sorry IneptGuru hasn't picked any favorites yet.

hella5891's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(807): View more from Ontario

he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants

Fav 12 2098 6065
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos

Fav 33 3014 5316
share tweet

(586): View more from Michigan

he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

Fav 12 1789 3710
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high

Fav 16 4983 2416
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night

Fav 6 4266 1440
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?

Fav 17 4961 1382
share tweet

(703): View more from Virginia

Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.

Fav 7 4629 1502
share tweet

(253): View more from Washington

Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

Fav 4 6899 1349
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

Fav 13 6412 1540
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.

Fav 8 3246 1329
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

Fav 6 5207 2061
share tweet

(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

Fav 41 9937 3827
share tweet

(647): View more from Ontario

I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

Fav 38 7686 1911
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving

Fav 19 1460 3986
share tweet

(702): View more from Nevada

as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....

Fav 10 4116 1326
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

Fav 24 7452 2457
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Absence makes the cock grow harder.

Fav 17 7158 1641
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog

Fav 30 6697 1794
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

Fav 26 5799 1432
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.

Fav 12 4056 781
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

Fav 39 6828 3255
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

Fav 21 10798 1960
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...

Fav 26 1639 5489
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.

(732): View more from New Jersey

sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner

Fav 26 1724 6032
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

Fav 31 8592 2357
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48822 2421
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.

Fav 7 1929 6112
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

Fav 20 6774 1610
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.

Fav 7 5351 1247
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

Fav 14 7168 1670
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.

Fav 9 5002 1127
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.

Fav 31 5915 1419
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

Fav 34 7235 1798
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

Fav 40 15155 1517
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.

Fav 15 4441 1277
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold

Fav 81 5538 1944
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.

Fav 14 5675 1234
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.

Fav 13 1749 6797
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something

Fav 35 6126 2238
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

Fav 23 11856 1629
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

Fav 28 17223 1868
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

Fav 20 6467 1217
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

Fav 25 11126 1789
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation

Fav 9 7141 1414
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.

Fav 11 1140 5330
share tweet
(408): View more from California

sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds

Fav 38 5121 1394
share tweet
(949): View more from California

You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?

Fav 15 7924 1313
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

Fav 45 26629 1760
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

Fav 22 1378 8651
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.

Fav 38 5419 2363
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

Fav 27 9370 1793
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?

Fav 16 1507 3937
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.

Fav 6 4505 1357
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

Fav 17 5131 1815
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

Fav 42 9034 5323
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.

Fav 8 1069 4308
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.

Fav 14 1534 4963
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

Fav 39 13297 1706
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops

Fav 28 7218 1455
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game

Fav 23 6071 1328
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.

Fav 41 3306 5123
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

Fav 10 9630 1339
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes

Fav 24 5315 2859
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

Fav 62 20366 2184
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.

Fav 6 4267 1274
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

Fav 51 8768 2029
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall

Fav 60 7512 1553
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

Fav 65 14382 3190
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

Fav 49 7276 2893
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

Fav 44 5434 9844
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

Fav 42 10800 1673
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

Fav 45 11736 2892
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

Fav 23 6996 1200
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.

Fav 22 1518 4480
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

Fav 44 16367 2072
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

Fav 20 6192 1461
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.

Fav 9 4311 1145
share tweet
(661): View more from California

this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.

Fav 51 7621 2077
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.

Fav 19 4612 2407
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on

Fav 43 9971 1405
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever

Fav 1 5290 1171
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.

Fav 21 1599 5949
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

Fav 30 9519 3087
share tweet
(559): View more from California

I queefed so loud it echoed.

Fav 56 2321 11287
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

Fav 436 57258 7322
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter

Fav 34 6799 2209
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

Fav 31 10060 1478
share tweet
(310): View more from California

You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

Fav 9 2375 6139
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

Fav 40 10889 1670
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

Fav 65 19223 1733
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

Fav 40 17274 2677
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

Fav 20 2063 7201
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

Fav 14 10306 1445
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

Fav 29 17913 1675
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

Fav 29 9809 1963
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

Fav 31 20934 1954
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

Fav 27 11766 1877
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

Fav 12 8243 1767
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.

Fav 35 2108 5704
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

Fav 25 15096 2080
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

Fav 52 12946 3241
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

Fav 27 13674 1976
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP

Fav 19 5674 3040
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

Fav 31 8385 1611
share tweet
(961): View more from

I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit

Fav 28 8047 2041
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.

Fav 44 4351 1540
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

Fav 23 10169 1407
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

Fav 61 28046 1879
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?

Fav 14 8045 1500
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..

(219): View more from Indiana

you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.

(646): View more from New York

nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..

Fav 31 1580 5070
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

Fav 31 12931 1961
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

Fav 42 2675 7587
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock

Fav 6 5129 1506
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

Fav 17 10942 1587
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.

Fav 8 1451 5015
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.

Fav 19 7329 2002
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.

Fav 8 7217 1146
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

Fav 22 1747 7790
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

Fav 16 8001 1779
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas

Fav 22 8652 1448
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks

Fav 22 5014 1946
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

Fav 26 8181 1546
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

Fav 43 8388 2370
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

Fav 20 8401 1249
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

Fav 13 4965 1414
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...

(443): View more from Maryland

that's spring break in florida for ya

Fav 10 2452 2658
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.

Fav 11 1409 3513
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

Fav 17 5943 1651
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010

Fav 11 4966 1054
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry

Fav 16 8299 1276
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

Fav 36 9286 1419
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.

Fav 5 5732 974
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?

Fav 28 8950 1793
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.

Fav 6 4123 1304
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"

(905): View more from Ontario

And sadly I did.

Fav 25 2349 4340
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

Fav 27 8287 1777
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.

Fav 16 6339 1322
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53247 2386
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

Fav 47 14831 2477
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

Fav 40 11634 3452
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter

Fav 13 8773 1451
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

Fav 78 6900 7365
share tweet
(805): View more from California

my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.

Fav 43 1816 14812
share tweet