Texts From Last Night · jessiemeygan's Favorites

Sorry TheNorwegian hasn't picked any favorites yet.

jessiemeygan's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(469): View more from Texas

I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.

Fav 4 777 1495
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.

Fav 4 1417 637
share tweet

(503): View more from Oregon

I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.

Fav 6 1753 689
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual

(1-574): View more from Indiana

You're the salmon of the gays...

Fav 2 1130 622
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.

Fav 3 1694 606
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.

Fav 7 1335 644
share tweet

(734): View more from Michigan

Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.

Fav 3 1824 727
share tweet

(224): View more from Illinois

He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.

(847): View more from Illinois

Incredible.

Fav 6 1662 767
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.

Fav 6 1443 637
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.

Fav 4 2275 958
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this

Fav 11 2256 1173
share tweet

(605): View more from South Dakota

If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.

Fav 2 3125 1031
share tweet

(702): View more from Nevada

Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.

Fav 20 5759 1322
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...

Fav 4 1273 740
share tweet

(502): View more from Kentucky

Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?

Fav 48 5487 1604
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome

Fav 4 1645 1011
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.

Fav 6 1209 585
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian

Fav 2 2244 784
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?

(1-561): View more from Florida

Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.

Fav 2 951 533
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar

Fav 12 8378 1439
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?

Fav 20 3854 1245
share tweet
(523): View more from

Hey did where's my bong?

(1-523): View more from

In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right

(523): View more from

Should I bother to ask?

Fav 8 3316 1265
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.

Fav 6 5762 1182
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.

Fav 4 2383 929
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

Fav 21 7417 1161
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you

Fav 3 3718 1552
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

Fav 14 3970 1264
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

Fav 9 5068 1334
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.

Fav 13 3862 1458
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics

Fav 4 1214 633
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.

Fav 11 1361 2305
share tweet
(310): View more from California

If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place

Fav 11 2019 867
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere

(1-727): View more from Florida

it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man

Fav 6 4092 1098
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.

Fav 12 1635 913
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.

Fav 9 3045 949
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.

Fav 2 2178 1025
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.

Fav 2 1202 2170
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.

Fav 4 599 1393
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.

Fav 6 1118 1126
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball

Fav 7 918 945
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.

Fav 2 1082 549
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol

Fav 5 1398 971
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.

Fav 4 1829 598
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids

Fav 13 1498 812
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.

Fav 6 1739 790
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.

Fav 4 1518 612
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties

Fav 5 1756 696
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something

Fav 5 1125 637
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.

Fav 9 1751 818
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.

Fav 5 1871 724
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.

(408): View more from California

Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly

(1-408): View more from California

I approve this so hard.

Fav 4 1565 702
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?

Fav 10 1621 645
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important

Fav 3 3329 1304
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.

Fav 12 3667 1154
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him

Fav 11 2161 925
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.

Fav 5 2034 826
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.

Fav 8 1829 714
share tweet
(627): View more from California

some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.

Fav 9 2251 712
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.

Fav 6 1450 701
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.

Fav 10 1586 735
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

Fav 61 17233 1494
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin

Fav 19 1457 4789
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

Fav 9 5358 1241
share tweet
(916): View more from California

The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.

Fav 3 1890 643
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.

Fav 2 992 1206
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?

Fav 15 1585 675
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.

Fav 14 7504 2479
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"

Fav 4 2488 1240
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

Fav 8 4344 2262
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer

Fav 4 2432 807
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night

Fav 15 2800 968
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.

Fav 13 2712 1057
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out

Fav 7 4018 1486
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.

Fav 17 3456 1118
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?

Fav 1 929 970
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.

(206): View more from Washington

Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.

Fav 11 2543 883
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club

Fav 8 1330 2163
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.

Fav 17 4459 1191
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."

Fav 6 2825 1020
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?

Fav 5 3370 1032
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.

Fav 7 2956 1174
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home

Fav 16 3655 1249
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter

(323): View more from California

yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake

Fav 13 1176 1641
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?

Fav 13 4924 1181
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.

Fav 5 1916 658
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.

Fav 10 3443 1173
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess

Fav 15 2447 1551
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

(1-512): View more from Texas

We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

(512): View more from Texas

This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

Fav 5 3200 853
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.

Fav 9 2113 668
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

Fav 35 7992 1547
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"

Fav 7 1709 1193
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.

Fav 7 3104 1160
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?

Fav 9 3637 998
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

Fav 6 5411 1321
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

Fav 26 4375 1271
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk

Fav 6 2314 824
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'

(1-623): View more from Arizona

I thought I could.

Fav 4 3500 1004
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."

Fav 4 2218 901
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420

Fav 4 1572 1314
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.

Fav 5 1072 2441
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

Fav 7 5922 1399
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this

Fav 8 3380 1414
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.

Fav 8 2435 824
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university

Fav 11 2974 811
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.

(917): View more from New York City

Delicious

(646): View more from New York

I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.

Fav 5 1532 1426
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.

Fav 9 1231 2553
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?

Fav 26 4520 1346
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.

Fav 14 2614 837
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.

Fav 9 2448 787
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS

Fav 5 1193 1390
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.

Fav 6 2554 1155
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face

Fav 9 2090 849
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

Fav 25 2264 4629
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.

Fav 68 4790 2439
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter

Fav 30 5718 1734
share tweet
(567): View more from Ohio

i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand

Fav 4 2378 962
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks

Fav 8 2630 1276
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you

Fav 14 3982 1540
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake

Fav 13 3650 1127
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

Fav 8 4541 1308
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob

Fav 13 3083 948
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...

(413): View more from Massachusetts

how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers

Fav 10 6012 1317
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

Fav 11 3575 1012
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name

Fav 12 4112 1435
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night

Fav 8 5663 1471
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.

Fav 9 2682 968
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

Fav 17 5440 1368
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself

Fav 2 1312 754
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.

Fav 19 2525 924
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...

Fav 7 2691 1294
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.

Fav 18 2627 3094
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

Fav 21 7058 1562
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.

Fav 3 1534 625
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.

Fav 4 1981 729
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"

Fav 0 1547 649
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary

Fav 3 1204 641
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.

Fav 6 2001 758
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste

Fav 5 1739 634
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.

(404): View more from Georgia

My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.

Fav 15 3302 841
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.

Fav 23 2438 1079
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them

Fav 5 2185 777
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?

Fav 8 1123 664
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.

Fav 3 1017 777
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.

Fav 6 1486 641
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list

(989): View more from Michigan

haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters

Fav 11 1808 746
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.

Fav 3 1243 620
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."

Fav 7 2250 655
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I'm a sociology major remember

(301): View more from Maryland

Well that and comm

(479): View more from Arkansas

Basically you majored in how to get laid

Fav 2 1584 678
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown

Fav 10 2445 718
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun

Fav 6 2407 806
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...

Fav 2 731 1405
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!

Fav 3 1895 797
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing

Fav 2 967 642
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.

Fav 14 2958 888
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.

Fav 6 1619 662
share tweet