Texts From Last Night · mariliza's Favorites

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mariliza's Favorites Texts:

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(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back

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(773): View more from Illinois

literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

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(615): View more from Tennessee

But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...

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(907): View more from Alaska

I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...

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(856): View more from New Jersey

there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(914): View more from New York

I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...

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(512): View more from Texas

I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

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(954): View more from Florida

I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.

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(214): View more from Texas

Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.

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(727): View more from Florida

We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno

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(334): View more from Alabama

How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.

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(912): View more from Georgia

well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us

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(703): View more from Virginia

Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.

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(585): View more from New York

just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.

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(315): View more from New York

I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit

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(513): View more from Ohio

The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions

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(205): View more from Alabama

Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.

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(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

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(815): View more from Illinois

Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(607): View more from New York

We can grow old together and our livers can fail together

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(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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(415): View more from California

You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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(713): View more from Texas

Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

(336): View more from North Carolina

"people in the room" being me.

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(661): View more from California

the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.

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(419): View more from Ohio

The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

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(256): View more from Alabama

just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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(240): View more from Maryland

He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

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(757): View more from Virginia

Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.

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(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them

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(661): View more from California

It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I'm in awe of how selfish that is.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life

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(450): View more from Quebec

I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life

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(732): View more from New Jersey

on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card

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(434): View more from Virginia

i said good morning to each one of his abs personally

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And to think..we used to do everything sober...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?

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(586): View more from Michigan

May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She went from zero to smokin in five shots

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.

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(616): View more from Michigan

bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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(404): View more from Georgia

If I was on drugs, this would be amazing

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(502): View more from Kentucky

update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(910): View more from North Carolina

the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(347): View more from New York

i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

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(404): View more from Georgia

we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother

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(260): View more from Indiana

Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

(661): View more from California

Truer words have never been spoken.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.

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(850): View more from Florida

I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.

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(303): View more from Colorado

New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.

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(310): View more from California

All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive

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(626): View more from California

i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang

(917): View more from New York City

really making moves this morning i see

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.

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(816): View more from Missouri

After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.

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(623): View more from Arizona

My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

my cup is half full, half full of rum.

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(678): View more from Georgia

My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch

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(314): View more from Missouri

My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"

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(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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(845): View more from New York

I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!

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(317): View more from Indiana

Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Every perfect package comes with a warning label.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

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(631): View more from New York

I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.

(631): View more from New York

Cruelly.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

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(845): View more from New York

I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting

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(516): View more from New York

I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.

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(516): View more from New York

And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.

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(718): View more from New York

at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

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(714): View more from California

when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow

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(916): View more from California

day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.

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(585): View more from New York

He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?

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(207): View more from Maine

Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(407): View more from Florida

Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.

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(513): View more from Ohio

First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.

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(917): View more from New York City

I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist

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(619): View more from California

there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America

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(408): View more from California

I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...

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(315): View more from New York

Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(334): View more from Alabama

This hangover is way worse than all my relationships

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(410): View more from Maryland

Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."

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(201): View more from New Jersey

there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen

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(530): View more from California

There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

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(410): View more from Maryland

i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.

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(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making

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(708): View more from Illinois

We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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(269): View more from Michigan

I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.

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(210): View more from Texas

By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode

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(303): View more from Colorado

Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?

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(845): View more from New York

what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?

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(847): View more from Illinois

i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"

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(469): View more from Texas

I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food

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(650): View more from California

how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

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(301): View more from Maryland

you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it

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(858): View more from California

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

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(410): View more from Maryland

In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"

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(214): View more from Texas

does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??

(817): View more from Texas

dude, everything can mix, this is college.

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(941): View more from Florida

I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.

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(360): View more from Washington

whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.

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(231): View more from Michigan

we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers

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(425): View more from Washington

Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.

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(559): View more from California

Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(337): View more from Louisiana

My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.

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(281): View more from Texas

3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.

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tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back

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(733): View more from

i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now

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(317): View more from Indiana

honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My liver just broke up with me...

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(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.

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(330): View more from Ohio

All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.

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(773): View more from Illinois

why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Operation Purity has been aborted

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer

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(707): View more from California

I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight

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