Texts From Last Night · memal74's Favorites

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memal74's Favorites Texts:

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(727): View more from Florida

I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs

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(927): View more from

Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.

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(765): View more from Indiana

You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!

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(605): View more from South Dakota

He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?

(224): View more from Illinois

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.

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(740): View more from Ohio

The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.

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(850): View more from Florida

I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl

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(661): View more from California

She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"

(248): View more from Michigan

You should've introduced yourself

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(912): View more from Georgia

I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."

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(540): View more from Virginia

Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.

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(773): View more from Illinois

My dad just said "fuck circus"

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(586): View more from Michigan

I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.

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(678): View more from Georgia

So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?

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(812): View more from Indiana

On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.

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(315): View more from New York

Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?

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(872): View more from Illinois

i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?

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(716): View more from New York

I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat

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(941): View more from Florida

she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting

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(440): View more from Ohio

Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night

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(406): View more from Montana

My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater

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(503): View more from Oregon

I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.

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(802): View more from Vermont

When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?

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(406): View more from Montana

I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

the boozy kind. is there any other?

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(559): View more from California

I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon

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(616): View more from Michigan

Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...

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(613): View more from Ontario

There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

im in the post action - pre consequence stage.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.

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(647): View more from Ontario

You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party

(1-647): View more from Ontario

That was you...

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming

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(310): View more from California

Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!

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(410): View more from Maryland

Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.

(410): View more from Maryland

By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!

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(503): View more from Oregon

I like the wholesome side of you

(571): View more from Virginia

I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.

(614): View more from Ohio

That d should have definitely been an s.

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(512): View more from Texas

He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.

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(801): View more from Utah

Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.

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(818): View more from California

Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?

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(416): View more from Toronto

also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm

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(281): View more from Texas

She really is something else.

(713): View more from Texas

Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??

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(765): View more from Indiana

Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.

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(760): View more from California

Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.

(818): View more from California

That was one of the best texts I got today

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(734): View more from Michigan

He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"

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(802): View more from Vermont

Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party

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(718): View more from New York

She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet

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(864): View more from South Carolina

her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.

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(714): View more from California

They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.

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(513): View more from Ohio

As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly

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(563): View more from Iowa

You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

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(410): View more from Maryland

It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.

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(440): View more from Ohio

no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.

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(315): View more from New York

A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well for starters, her tits were hairy.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.

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(714): View more from California

Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon

(310): View more from California

Fuck you.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.

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(210): View more from Texas

Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.

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(248): View more from Michigan

New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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(620): View more from Kansas

would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?

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(914): View more from New York

Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?

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(417): View more from Missouri

You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make

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(714): View more from California

Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.

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(352): View more from Florida

He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.

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(607): View more from New York

Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

I will rub McFlurries all over you.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?

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(810): View more from Michigan

I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".

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(613): View more from Ontario

Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.

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(212): View more from New York

Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"

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(520): View more from Arizona

Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.

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(443): View more from Maryland

No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for

(804): View more from Virginia

Oh my god she just threw up on her dog

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(530): View more from California

That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.

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memal74's Favorites Texts:

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