Texts From Last Night · princesspalmer's Favorites

Sorry A55MAN hasn't picked any favorites yet.

princesspalmer's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(636): View more from Missouri

I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high

Fav 16 4983 2416
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

Fav 18 7489 1508
share tweet

(905): View more from Ontario

the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.

Fav 28 5825 2831
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...

Fav 11 1569 4391
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..

Fav 11 3910 1456
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!

(985): View more from Louisiana

doesn't he have a girlfriend???

(504): View more from Louisiana

yeah...who do you think woke us up...

Fav 21 1310 2091
share tweet

(860): View more from Connecticut

I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

Fav 17 5024 1495
share tweet

(502): View more from Kentucky

bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.

Fav 8 6625 1263
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.

Fav 17 1606 4965
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...

Fav 36 4457 1017
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people

Fav 12 4569 885
share tweet

(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.

Fav 9 1089 2369
share tweet

(678): View more from Georgia

Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

630.

Fav 22 7137 1578
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

Fav 12 2107 6353
share tweet

(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

Fav 45 23935 1774
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.

Fav 50 6824 1041
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN

Fav 26 852 3344
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

Fav 42 15402 1782
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Well douche your snatch and let's go!

Fav 5 1918 1153
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

Fav 39 13297 1706
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.

Fav 34 2163 5355
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.

Fav 15 5983 1369
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton

(781): View more from Massachusetts

then i met college

Fav 17 6595 1083
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.

Fav 29 1159 4935
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side

Fav 77 1351 3417
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.

(1-936): View more from Texas

Can I eat your pillow?

Fav 7 5710 976
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.

Fav 34 1417 2960
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle

Fav 11 1041 2251
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

Fav 20 7241 1849
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.

Fav 19 7892 1294
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

Fav 22 5939 1329
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

Fav 17 5984 1336
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!

Fav 10 3883 1325
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.

Fav 19 6445 1194
share tweet
(587): View more from Alberta

the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"

Fav 7 1278 5322
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?

Fav 8 2977 1513
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...

Fav 23 5686 1911
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

Fav 22 9982 1395
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.

Fav 35 4884 1643
share tweet
(578): View more from

oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.

Fav 13 1406 3616
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?

Fav 9 4347 1346
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'

Fav 10 1351 4738
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you

Fav 14 3982 1540
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.

Fav 7 1843 4326
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.

Fav 45 5734 1949
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

Fav 19 5307 1436
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

Fav 50 11813 3022
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.

Fav 5 3972 1245
share tweet
(415): View more from California

had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon

Fav 8 3311 1174
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked

Fav 6 4036 1160
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

Fav 23 7731 1354
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.

Fav 15 6021 1684
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.

Fav 3 3800 1671
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins

Fav 6 5045 1413
share tweet
(818): View more from California

i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

(805): View more from California

i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

Fav 22 7096 2088
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

Fav 38 6676 1626
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So many bounce houses so little time

Fav 6 3848 1037
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...

Fav 32 2103 7478
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.

Fav 27 1892 3581
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

Fav 18 8568 2315
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

Fav 7 7344 1431
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.

Fav 5 3837 1312
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams

Fav 10 1544 4050
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.

Fav 11 4149 1705
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden

Fav 14 6102 1480
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

Fav 16 9972 1747
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.

Fav 4 2872 988
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.

Fav 9 1634 7321
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life

Fav 10 6635 1270
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.

Fav 4 4222 1195
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog

Fav 6 1517 3291
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other

Fav 13 5588 1195
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.

Fav 13 4243 1240
share tweet
(754): View more from Florida

I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.

Fav 8 5133 1295
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier

Fav 10 5029 1528
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.

Fav 5 3380 4605
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

Fav 12 6931 1447
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl

Fav 24 1243 6726
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.

Fav 10 4393 1036
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.

Fav 8 4756 2386
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card

Fav 8 4511 1086
share tweet
(707): View more from California

just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

Fav 20 10108 1274
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

i said good morning to each one of his abs personally

Fav 11 7256 1334
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.

Fav 20 1587 6526
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?

Fav 11 1910 3756
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?

Fav 9 5837 1144
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down

Fav 6 4510 1489
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.

Fav 12 4505 1528
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"

Fav 18 4679 1230
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

Fav 16 7489 1417
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.

Fav 19 4634 2963
share tweet
(+54): View more from

My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed

Fav 30 8640 1472
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up

Fav 8 1231 3735
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed

Fav 24 1133 6102
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you

Fav 12 5649 1331
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.

Fav 11 1924 5003
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.

Fav 9 1301 3722
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

Fav 43 2848 5350
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating

Fav 21 5343 1646
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

Fav 38 11690 1726
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.

Fav 19 2028 4377
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?

Fav 33 1913 4977
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.

Fav 17 1327 5682
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".

Fav 40 1424 5640
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

Fav 137 7391 5951
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

Fav 44 8807 1895
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.

Fav 16 3246 1860
share tweet
(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

Fav 116 6954 12714
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

Fav 141 20465 2852
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

Fav 58 27725 1894
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"

Fav 50 6010 1339
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.

Fav 71 1835 6691
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

Fav 37 10361 1803
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

Fav 39 6828 3255
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

Fav 24 7803 1456
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

so you admit it was good then??

Fav 27 9115 1459
share tweet
(714): View more from California

It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time

Fav 32 2139 5445
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop

Fav 19 5679 2998
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

Fav 68 18778 1865
share tweet
(415): View more from California

There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.

Fav 43 6694 1966
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella

Fav 34 6568 2575
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.

Fav 21 5114 1338
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex

Fav 25 6273 2160
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.

Fav 14 5206 1215
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works

Fav 11 4769 2152
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!

Fav 111 2195 8351
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

you thought your balls were fighting each other...

Fav 13 4422 2151
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.

Fav 55 1553 10212
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

Fav 36 2199 9876
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.

Fav 21 10046 1349
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

Fav 22 8748 1585
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

Fav 21 7439 1427
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances

Fav 28 7702 1740
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts

Fav 30 4724 1465
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.

Fav 29 2918 5213
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

Fav 76 17029 2586
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars

Fav 28 1952 5689
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.

Fav 21 4901 2466
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

Fav 29 7463 2731
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

Fav 30 10277 2649
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

Fav 57 8658 3025
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

Fav 31 9358 1965
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.

Fav 24 6328 1606
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her

Fav 10 4013 1652
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?

(813): View more from Florida

Nah, just masturbating louder

Fav 7 5745 1384
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

Fav 31 9727 1632
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

Fav 26 9473 1659
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.

Fav 25 5400 2059
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.

(732): View more from New Jersey

sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner

Fav 26 1724 6032
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.

Fav 13 5574 1275
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"

Fav 11 6384 2528
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

Fav 26 8582 1995
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.

Fav 22 2997 6799
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

Fav 26 12668 2380
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

Fav 29 6842 3123
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

Fav 20 8432 2012
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

Fav 12 2836 6332
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.

Fav 19 2187 5870
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick

Fav 17 1431 10445
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

Fav 13 9391 1461
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude

Fav 20 7605 1348
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

Fav 19 6461 2188
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

Fav 22 8445 1775
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.

Fav 37 6056 932
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool

Fav 5 845 2926
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo

Fav 4 1553 836
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick

Fav 28 1430 9282
share tweet
(707): View more from California

left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen

Fav 13 817 4975
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8565 49741
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

Fav 136 8444 56809
share tweet
(619): View more from California

just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

Fav 128 8701 62495
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

Fav 105 4842 68214
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

Fav 148 8160 70873
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

Fav 258 5717 81491
share tweet
(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

Fav 175 7674 81658
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

Fav 800 8590 112713
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

Fav 599 6020 103454
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

(409): View more from Texas

That was definitely the right answer.

Fav 19 7180 1592
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

Fav 22 7508 1826
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.

Fav 28 2708 5123
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.

(602): View more from Arizona

you slept with him again didn't you

(480): View more from Arizona

you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well

Fav 21 6126 1655
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.

Fav 18 6950 1402
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Is he smart?

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.

Fav 20 6352 1475
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.

Fav 22 1508 5547
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.

Fav 17 4478 1108
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

(816): View more from Missouri

yes. helicopter.

Fav 19 5930 1334
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

Fav 20 8122 1399
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY

Fav 20 6979 1358
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

Fav 48 11313 1840
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

Fav 18 8069 1460
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention

Fav 9 4568 1576
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.

Fav 24 4859 2319
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's like her boobs came off with her bra

Fav 55 2006 16024
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

Fav 44 10103 1551
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

Fav 35 15842 1928
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

Fav 150 15143 3805
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

Fav 167 92792 4894
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

Fav 34 20580 2710
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

Fav 126 23963 2241
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

Fav 51 26505 1662
share tweet