Texts From Last Night · siiiiiid's Favorites

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(541): View more from Oregon

I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..

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(330): View more from Ohio

151 hangover. Need apocalypse.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.

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(206): View more from Washington

Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL

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(949): View more from California

You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.

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(512): View more from Texas

I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

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(214): View more from Texas

If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.

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(916): View more from California

I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay

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(585): View more from New York

we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night

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(520): View more from Arizona

I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.

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(301): View more from Maryland

remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school

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(248): View more from Michigan

The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children

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(303): View more from Colorado

But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(925): View more from California

I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.

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(524): View more from

How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?

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(719): View more from Colorado

I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.

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(847): View more from Illinois

If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think

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(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(240): View more from Maryland

stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

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(504): View more from Louisiana

She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.

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(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?

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(619): View more from California

No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.

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(816): View more from Missouri

The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?

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(404): View more from Georgia

After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

(404): View more from Georgia

I come from her. Holy hell.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?

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(706): View more from Georgia

See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working

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(250): View more from British Columbia

The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.

(905): View more from Ontario

Fuhga

(250): View more from British Columbia

Thank you.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover

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(785): View more from Kansas

your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us

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(301): View more from Maryland

Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday

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(970): View more from Colorado

A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"

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(303): View more from Colorado

We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves

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(913): View more from Kansas

We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!

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(513): View more from Ohio

Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(773): View more from Illinois

Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.

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(989): View more from Michigan

walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.

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(415): View more from California

We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.

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(214): View more from Texas

You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song

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(618): View more from Illinois

i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.

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(813): View more from Florida

This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.

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(510): View more from California

Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?

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(614): View more from Ohio

TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

(1-614): View more from Ohio

HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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(772): View more from Florida

Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.

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(925): View more from California

I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.

(415): View more from California

I still don't know how you've lived this long.

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(817): View more from Texas

Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."

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(650): View more from California

We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.

(650): View more from California

And so far nothing been broken!

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(438): View more from Quebec

gladiator or hannah montana?

(514): View more from Quebec

This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm officially in the Christmas spirit

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(516): View more from New York

A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.

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(450): View more from Quebec

She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(951): View more from California

Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

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(316): View more from Kansas

i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.

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(917): View more from New York City

your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?

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(586): View more from Michigan

Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

therell be strippers and coke right?

(703): View more from Virginia

no strippers. just coke.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

i hate this fuckin recession

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(210): View more from Texas

I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?

(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it working?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm okay with that.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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(614): View more from Ohio

Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?

(301): View more from Maryland

just fucking run.

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(443): View more from Maryland

well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks

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(303): View more from Colorado

I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"

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(660): View more from Missouri

On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help

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(516): View more from New York

He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him

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(510): View more from California

I'm trying to make a sex playlist

(916): View more from California

record yourself crying and put it on a loop.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I think we need to teach you what straight means again

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood

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(623): View more from Arizona

No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"

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(720): View more from Colorado

Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.

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(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

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(718): View more from New York

She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet

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(541): View more from Oregon

Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.

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(813): View more from Florida

IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA

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(410): View more from Maryland

You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails

(1-410): View more from Maryland

I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"

(1-410): View more from Maryland

The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me

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(623): View more from Arizona

You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"

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(415): View more from California

I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT

(707): View more from California

I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.

(415): View more from California

I effort

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(563): View more from Iowa

As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...

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(478): View more from Georgia

You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable

(318): View more from Louisiana

You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

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(360): View more from Washington

I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

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(+33): View more from France

It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

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(407): View more from Florida

Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.

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(571): View more from Virginia

How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..

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(615): View more from Tennessee

We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.

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(315): View more from New York

she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay

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(319): View more from Iowa

I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

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