I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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