why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
