You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just google imaged poop.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
