i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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