Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
