Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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