I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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