and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
