"it" just moved
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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