Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
