my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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