i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
