i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
