I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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