I can't breathe out the right side of my face
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Ketchup is God's man juice
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
