get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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