Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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