No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
