and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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