the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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