there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
