i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
