Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My bed smells like the plague
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