i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
50% drunk capacity currently
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
