i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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