The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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