dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
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