I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
