Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
