Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
In America we eat man semen.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize
