im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
