the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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