I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
